16 weeks pregnant and feeling fat

I miss having the freedom to lose a few pounds.

I'm 5'2 and always happy with my body. I'm always happy with my body because I was blessed with a decent metabolism and an incredible ego. Right now though, I am NOT happy with my body.

I'm at this awesome point in my pregnancy where I don't really look pregnant yet, I just feel pregnant, and look fat. Ah! I enjoy being on the thin side. I have always loved food but had a absurdly small capacity for it.

In my life before pregnancy waiters would chuckle, sometimes scoff even, when I asked for a box. I knew it didn't look like I had eaten much, in fact, it used to make me very self concise, I didn't want to be seen as the girl who didn't eat so she could stay thin, thin-shaming is such a mean thing.

Anyways, there were years of my life where I would eat like a bird, be completely STUFFED and go about my merry ways. A little bloat? No problem! Favorite jeans getting a little tight? Give me three days! I HATE MY PRE-PREGNANCY SELF!!!!!

I bought a pair of polka dot leggings today. Patterns are dangerous territory when uncomfortable with your current weight. I'll be honest, I still bought size XS, but I can't help but stare at the patterned dots and questions if they aren't looking a little..oval? Instead of my normal fit of maybe a little extra slack around the thighs I'm truly wondering if maybe I should have just passed on the form fitting pants until I mentally adjust to having hips and thighs for the first time since my major (and temporary) weight gain since summer of '06.

'Fat' is an ugly word and I've never been the girl to complain of looking like a whale in order to fish a few compliments, but God! I feel SO fat! I swear, the second little Charlotte enters the world I'm going on a raw/juice/paleo binge till I feel normal again.

I would like to point out that Dad To Be has been absolutely the sweetest man ever. He constantly tells me how beautiful and (I find this one laughable) sexy I am. I don't know what he's seeing but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm hosting his blood line in my uterus...

The most depressing part of all of this? I went shopping today for the first time in MONTHS and it didn't make me feel better! I feel worse! Retail therapy is failing me and all I want is to lose a few pounds but I'm still on the low end of healthy weight gain so it's time to mom-up and try and put on a few more healthy pounds for Charlotte.


Charlotte, mommy loves you so much that she's willing to try and get even fatter, just for you.


bleh.