Sorry I've Been Gone : Update Blog

So,

I've been absent as of late, and for this I apologize.

I've been suffering sever writers block, and all I've come up with is a menagerie of half written blogs and 1 fairly explicit 'mommy's only' post about postpartum boobs. That one made me laugh, but my husband didn't appreciate it quiet as much (you can find that post in the archives though, I just didn't share it).

I'm back on my daily dose of sanity, in my case that's the wonder drug by the name of Lamictal, keeping my mood swings in check but with that means less mania, which is a good thing, though some of my most productive times have been in a manic state. Can't keep riding the coat tails of insanity though...

Along with my Lamitcal has come a decision to re-commit to AA, many of you know my past but for those of you who don't, simply put, AA is a good thing to keep in my life. Sobriety is important to me because I'm one of those 'all or nothin' kind of people, and the 'all' can get a little extreme in my case.

I do my best to start my day with the Bible and the Big Book. I do what my sponsor tells me, when I'm able, and I follow the steps outlined for me by 'those who have come before' as the Big Book says.

I attend daily meetings, but my favorite is my monday meeting where the youngest person in the room besides me is in their late 60's.

With all this set before me, I can make my mental daily check list, and if I stick to it the odds are in my favor.

1. Read the Bible and the Big Book
2. Get dressed and ready before 10 am
3. Go to a meeting
4. Go to work, don't mess anything up
5. Take Charlotte for a walk
6. Call sponsor
7. CLEAN
8. WRITE!!!

The list has a few other guide lines and thoughts added but for the most part, I do these things daily.

I don't always read as much as I should, and as of 10:54am I'm still not dressed, though it's next on my task list. I'm planning on hitting a 2 o'clock meeting, I work at 4, Charlotte and I will walk if the weather permits, I will call my sponsor, though I always resent these calls for some unknown reason, I've been tiptoeing around the 'Clean' part of my day, but I'll do my best, and here I am writing!

Living with Bipolar disorder does effect me. It effects my day to day life, and the lives of those close to me. Even on medication, there's always the chance of a bad day, feeling more depressed then I have reason to be, or having a bit too much energy and falling on the 'annoying' side of the line. I had to give up nursing and now I find myself spending an exuberant amount of money of formula, which is far from ideal. My anxiety has risen, but I'm still functional, so that's a plus.

My days are fuller now, between Charlotte, work and AA commitments, I feel like the sun rises and sets before I have a chance to catch up. I keep finding myself realizing what I've so casually taken for granted,

Being a stay at home mom for 6 months! What a blessing that was!
Being able to nurse my daughter for nearly 7 months! Thank God for keeping me wain off my meds for that long!
Sobriety, because the second I dip my toe in the poison of my choice, things catapult towards a general state of awfulness.
Having family all around me, though a place of our own would be nice, I will always be thankful for the time we spent at my parents, with all of Charlottes aunts and uncles vying for her attention.
Having friends who understand. I do miss my friends in Houston, especially as they go on to have babies of their own, (Miranda, you'll always be one of my dearest friends!) but I'm eternally grateful for the new friends I've made in Long Beach, (what's up Nancy) and not to mention the Church we've found (Gardner's 4life) I really do feel #blessed.

And with all this said....what color is that dress!!!

Talking About Boobs, Again.

Okay! So, if you find the subject matter of boobs offensive or crude in anyway, then this post is not for you. I'm talking about boobs today.

There are three categories of readers and depending on where you fall, you may or may not relate to this post. There are obvious exceptions, but generally speaking you're one of the following -

1) You have boobs, and baby(s) and your boobs aren't quiet what they used to be

2) You have boobs, and no baby, and your boobs are as they always have been

3) You don't have boobs (male readers, tread softly)

Of course there is category 4) You have boobs, and baby(s) and for whatever reason, surgery or freak of nature, your boobs are unscathed; if you are in this category, you can leave now. Just go away. I don't want to see you and your cute boobs.

(Seriously though, any cuteboobs-postpregnancy readers need to leave now, i actually hate you.)

The other day, while hanging out with my oldest of friends, I reached over the grab something and once again, my F$%^&* boob fell out of my bra. This never ceases to amaze/piss me off. My once perky and awesome boobs are now a little on the pancake side and they have this insane habit of falling out of my bra when I bend over.

What!? If you had told me one day my perfect boobs would rebel in such a way I would have scoffed.

I began on one of my crazy rants, ending in what was basically a post partum 'show and tell', and left my dear friend rolling on the floor laughing. Old friends are special because they can squeal things like "OH MY GOD! You used to loveeee your boobs! That is NOT what they used to look like!!!" while laughing through tears and it only makes you want to punch them a little bit.

"When I bend over, sometimes my boobs just fall out of my bra" I stated blankly

I then bent over dramatically to prove my point.

"All women must experience this right? and just, no one talks about it..." this is when I decided to write another boob blog.

So of course, if I wear the 'right' bra, everything is fine. The girls still look super cute when they're packaged correctly, but as a working mother just how often I can dig up the 'right' bra, and not just throw on the bra sitting on top of the laundry pile, well that's a daily battle I often lose.

Let me take you back a few years...

From the moment I realized boobs were a cool thing to have, probably around 14, I decidedly loved mine. They were pretty damn perfect, at least I thought so, and so began the Library of Alexandria size archive of boob selfies, which I took purely on the Samantha a'la Sex In The City thought wave of "I'm going to be old one day, but today I look great so I'm taking a picture so one day I can look back and say 'DAMN! I was hot!'"

Honestly, I'm glad I have those pictures. Not so I can look back on the good ol' days and mope. Not to remember that I was hot. And not to make myself feel better in anyway.
I'm simply glad I have them because DAMN! I wassss hot! And that's not who I was, it's who I am. 

Maybe 'the girls' aren't quite themselves these days. That's okay. 'The girls' have grown up, they've nourished a baby person for 6 months! They've gone through some real.tough.shit. And basically, they're women now. Just like me. Me and my boobs have grown up!

As far as deflated pancakes go, I still think they're pretty cute.

When I think about the fact that I sustained a tiny human for 6 months with only my boobs, well, that's really, really, impressive. Added to my boob archive is now 6 months worth of shots taken with Charlotte nursing, cuddled against me, usually a little milk-drunk.

Sometimes I try and tell myself it's all in my head, and that it's really not that bad.

But then I bend over in the wrong bra.

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OUT.

Morning Mommy

Let me start off by saying, I miss you all! I miss you all terribly, and though the conversation usually remains 90% in my head and about %10 in the comment section, the support and encouragement from you all has been amazing.

I guess all in all, more of YOU have noticed my absence from blogging then I myself have, and that means a lot to me.

I'm happily working at Benley's Vietnamese Kitchen as a backup waitress, and I'd like to thank my manager and love-traingle bff Rachel (that's how I'm choosing to describe you, okay?) for putting up with all my quirks and crazy moments.

A Vietnamese man by the name of 'Elvis' speaks broken english and translates between us and the kitchen and I can almost remember how to count to 5 in Vietnamese. Almost.

Getting out of the house for my 5 hour shift has been a huge wake up call to me. Getting dressed and doing my hair/makeup is now a requirement for my daily life. Since when should that be something I put in the requirement category? Isn't that just something people…do.

Well, it's back on my 'do' list, which I realize was impressively short during the 6 months I spent home with Charlotte. Though taking care of a new born, nursing, not nursing, getting off meds, readjusting to meds, sleeping, not sleeping, etc., can totally take it out of you, now that I'm back in the 'real world' so to speak, I'm stretching my arms and waking up to reality.

I miss my baby when I'm at work. My shifts are short and my commute hardly takes 10 minutes but by the time I get home we're both excited to see each other.

With AA meetings now a daily part of my life (what's up friends of bill) and shifts at Benley's there are nights where Charlotte will not sleep without being rocked for several hours, just like the good ol' days pre-sleep training.

I understand that she actually does miss me, and if she needs a little extra love some nights I'm more than happy to give it to her, but I think it's taking the both of us sometime to readjust to life with mom on the 'outside' so to speak.

Most mornings I prop Charlotte up on the bathroom sink in her beloved Bumpo seat (god, do I love that thing) I hand her something to knock around, something other than what I thought was a securely closed tube of mascara…, and do the things most women do in the morning.

I brush my teeth and grab the toothpaste bottle out of her hands.

I blow out my hair while exchanging the picture frame she eating for a hair brush.

I straighten my hair and watch her gnaw the brush end of the hair brush, re-think the hair brush, grab her, run across the hall, grab a pacifier, stick her in the Bumpo, stick the pacifier in her mouth and finish my hair.

As I apply my makeup I wash my husbands pomade off her hands and move the jar out of reach. As I pull my dress over my head I keep one eye and at least one hand on her even though I know escape from the Bumpo is virtually impossible at this age.

I check her diaper, put on my shoes, put her down for her nap, forget to find the keys. Search like crazy around the room like a ninja mommy, doing my best not to be seen, find the keys, sneak out the door and go!

Just a normal morning, right mommies?

Grandma handles Charlotte while I'm gone, I make a mad dash for the gas station grabbing the biggest Red Bull available (bad, I know) hop in the car and get to Benleys. I basically do the same thing in reverse on my way home.

I never want to wake up, but once I'm up, I'm up and going.

Sometimes I just have to remember to most things from the 'have to' category to the 'normal people' category, and so far, so good.