16 weeks pregnant and feeling fat

I miss having the freedom to lose a few pounds.

I'm 5'2 and always happy with my body. I'm always happy with my body because I was blessed with a decent metabolism and an incredible ego. Right now though, I am NOT happy with my body.

I'm at this awesome point in my pregnancy where I don't really look pregnant yet, I just feel pregnant, and look fat. Ah! I enjoy being on the thin side. I have always loved food but had a absurdly small capacity for it.

In my life before pregnancy waiters would chuckle, sometimes scoff even, when I asked for a box. I knew it didn't look like I had eaten much, in fact, it used to make me very self concise, I didn't want to be seen as the girl who didn't eat so she could stay thin, thin-shaming is such a mean thing.

Anyways, there were years of my life where I would eat like a bird, be completely STUFFED and go about my merry ways. A little bloat? No problem! Favorite jeans getting a little tight? Give me three days! I HATE MY PRE-PREGNANCY SELF!!!!!

I bought a pair of polka dot leggings today. Patterns are dangerous territory when uncomfortable with your current weight. I'll be honest, I still bought size XS, but I can't help but stare at the patterned dots and questions if they aren't looking a little..oval? Instead of my normal fit of maybe a little extra slack around the thighs I'm truly wondering if maybe I should have just passed on the form fitting pants until I mentally adjust to having hips and thighs for the first time since my major (and temporary) weight gain since summer of '06.

'Fat' is an ugly word and I've never been the girl to complain of looking like a whale in order to fish a few compliments, but God! I feel SO fat! I swear, the second little Charlotte enters the world I'm going on a raw/juice/paleo binge till I feel normal again.

I would like to point out that Dad To Be has been absolutely the sweetest man ever. He constantly tells me how beautiful and (I find this one laughable) sexy I am. I don't know what he's seeing but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm hosting his blood line in my uterus...

The most depressing part of all of this? I went shopping today for the first time in MONTHS and it didn't make me feel better! I feel worse! Retail therapy is failing me and all I want is to lose a few pounds but I'm still on the low end of healthy weight gain so it's time to mom-up and try and put on a few more healthy pounds for Charlotte.


Charlotte, mommy loves you so much that she's willing to try and get even fatter, just for you.


bleh.

first trimester is awful

I keep seeing women online biting each others throats over pregnancy complaints. The trump card seems to be "at least you can have a pregnancy!"

Yes! Agreed! I never really realized how much couples go through to get pregnant. However, I actually went out of my way to avoid this, but if I had a nickel for every time my life plans didn't pan out...

Almost 14 weeks in and I've been able to clear my head, breathe, and get really excited and fall very in love with this little baby. I'm so grateful to be 14 weeks along and I'm a complete hypochondriac about what I can and can't safely do, but I do have a few complaints.

My first 3 months of pregnancy have been rough. There was a solid 6 week period where all I could keep down was (MAYBE) vegetable fried rice from a Chinese restaurant with a very mean lady running the take out counter. She judged me with her eyes every time I asked for a fork.

I spent weeks growing HUMAN LIFE running on fumes. I lost weight, bloated, fluctuated and eventually landed on a solid 108 pounds for the majority of the trimester.

Apart from the starvation I endured, there was this constant weight of exhaustion, confusion and raging hormonal woes. I have never been so angry in my entire life. I had a few moments of physically feeling anger pumping through my veins. I'm pretty sure my ears blew steam too.

I got in a fight with DTB (Dad To Be) because I wanted him to bring me McDonalds and he did.
That's right. I got in a fight with my wonderful, loving, pampering man because I asked him to bring me McDonalds and he did. The problem was, my stomach had started flipping and I knew I wouldn't keep it down, I called him to cancel my order but got the busy tone... When he got home with the food, I was so upset about being sick again that I bit his head off for getting the food that I had wanted.

Poor man.

My entire center of balance was thrown off by my new DDDDDD size boobs. My bras don't offer insane support considering I'm a small person and fairly proportionate, I quickly had to invest in a new support system. My neck and back were destroyed for quite some time but mainly I had this whole new body part that I had to protect with my life, a strong breeze and I was in tears.

Thank GOD for the end of this first trimester. Over the past week or so, I've noticed a huge difference. I'm starving and keeping down EVERYTHING I eat, I'm much happier and emotionally stable, Victoria Secret has saved my life and I've even put on a couple of pounds!

The first trimester has been brutal but it hasn't come with out its moments...

I google crazy things like "13 weeks, 3 days pregnant" just to see if anyone will give me a more accurate idea of the babies development. DTB lays his head on my stomach and talks to the baby so softly and lovingly it melts my heart. I read my copy of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' with multiple color highlighters AND in 5 days we get to find out the gender!!!!

pregnancy hunger games

I want a pickle so bad right now. I want a pickle so bad that I just google image searched "pickle".

Okay, let's blog!

The second a person can openly ask me how much weight I've gained in the last week, it's open season to throw out details about the rest of what happened this week.

I feel I'm really beginning to lose my filter on what is and isn't appropriate. In my mind, I am no longer responsible for my bodily functions - I'll freely voice my frustration with constantly peeing, vomiting and mental instability to poor innocent bystanders like DTB's bandmates, who politely laugh and slowly withdraw into shadowy corners of the house to hide. 

Since I've been pregnant it's been a CONSTANT BATTLE between hunger and vomit. I actually started choosing foods based on the reverse of "what goes up, must come down". What ever went down was sure as hell going to come back up.

That being said, my first trimester is on its way out and along with it, my morning sickness, YAY!

"What do you mean you just 'accidentally wrote a blog on pickles'"
- Dad To Be

I've put on my first 3 pounds in the past week, and all I can think about is food. The second I stop eating I start getting hungry again. My regular bird size portions are starting to resemble normal people portions, I'm making puppy eyes at DTB for things like juice or salad, and I'm getting really crazy about ANYTHING that comes between me and food. Really crazy. 

I almost killed DTB last night over forgotten mozzarella sticks at 4am and the last time I was that angry it had to do with Whattaburger and McDonalds. I don't even like fast food!

I'm trying to keep this blog real and honest and right now I want a pickle so bad, I can't even finish this entry because I can't remember where I was going with it...