Cool Mom Envy

They tell you that you can't mentally prepare yourself for motherhood. That no matter what, it's going to blow your mind. Sleep deprivation, delayed personal hygiene, postpartum, and a unbelievable  amount of diapers - these are the things you expect.

My totally beautiful, insanely cool friends.

I read the books, I had the talks with experienced moms, but what wasn't covered in 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' was probably one of hardest brick walls I've hit - Mommy Envy.

The amount of awesome, interesting, pulled together, cool moms I'm surrounded by is really,  really intimidating.

I'm going to pull the 'home schooled' card and say, I've never been so surrounded by so many peers in my life. It seems everywhere I look, some mom is pulling the 'Sofie' giraffe out and handing it to her adorable baby who's little leather moccasins cost more than my entire outfit.

Instagram has always been a great validation check point in my life. I hate saying that, but real talk, you know it's true. When the moms I have deemed as the 'cool moms' like a picture of my little girl I'm like...yeahhh...

Wooh, honesty is not pretty in blog format. Oh well.

As my baby naps, I sneak off to the office to write. I'm wearing an oversized grey sweater that belongs to my husband, my hair has been in this same bun for at least 2+ days, my mascara tube is running dry and I'm totally not wearing a bra.

I don't feel like a 'cool mom' at all. I feel like the world is a cafeteria and I don't know where to sit and I've been standing in the same spot for too long and it''s getting more awkward by the moment.

Maybe if I brushed my hair once in a while, or ran off to Buffalo Exchange and swapped some stuff around...Maybe if I wrote 'thee' blog, and went viral. Maybe if, maybe if...

I may not be a 'cool mom' but I'll tell you one thing,

My daughter thinks I'm the greatest thing ever and my husband thinks I'm super hot. I have some new projects in the works, I'm job hunting again, I feel God's hand in my life and I'm surrounded by loved ones. My friends are beautiful and 'cool mom-ing' it in the best way. My church feels like a home, and my home feels like crazy mess of joy.

So yeah, I may not be a 'cool mom' and that may be kind of intimidating sometimes, but at the end of the day, I don't need to be 'cool' because honestly - I'd rather by cuddly with my baby and my husband watching some crazy documentary of Netflix and passing out by 10pm.

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Charlotte is 6 months old, she's insanely adorable, she likes to growl and make chirping-happy-screaming sounds, especially first thing in the morning - usually before the sun rises.  She likes to roll over and sleep on her side but gets really upset when she ends up on her tummy. And she loves guitars.

ugh motherhood.

I struggle with this new life, being a mom, it's like being handed a rubix cube in a dark room and being told to solve it. In this scenario you LOVE this rubix cube like nothing you've ever loved before but that doesn't - actually - help.

I feel like I have to excuse myself, like I have to cover every negative remark with a more vibrant praise of motherhood, but being a mom is gnarly you guys. It's gnarly.

Everyday I wake up to my daughter cooing, and I hide in bed till those coos turn to whines, then I roll over and reluctantly start my day.

I try to tell myself to perk up, mornings are the best time with Charlotte, it's the time she practices her new sounds (mostly shrieks right now), it's the time she plays with me, gives me silly faces and shows me all her new tricks.

seriously though, look at this precious baby.

Morning, however, is also about two hours after she last woke me up. And I'm tired. And not a morning person at all. I often feel alone in this, in these moments of 'I love my daughter, but maybe 1 more year of NOT being a mom would have been cool'

Yeahhhhh, I said it! Don't get me wrong, I love my sweet girl, and after about 2 hours of being away from her I start going through mommy withdrawals. But when the days are long, and the nights happen in 2 hour increments, things tend to get a little frazzled and the idea of sleeping like a normal person leads me to a sleep-lusting place (hahahahahaha, ohhh man, I'm tired)

We (or at least I) Instagram and Pintrest our way through life, showing the highlights and putting a ironic spin on the less glamorous moments, - I haven't brushed my hair in three days but I did put on a little lip gloss so you can see how I'm still candidly acceptable - we crop out the spit up stains and #blessed, and run through one or two editing apps for a quick touch up before posting...

What you don't see is my inability to sleep train my baby,

You don't see me running in the pouring rain from the furthest parking spot at walmart with my baby half tucked under my sweater because I forgot the stroller.

My Rubix. <3

You don't see me passing out 5 minutes after the baby does, totally neglecting my husband who could probably go for some tlc.

And you don't see me laying in bed, hiding from the waking baby next to me, fighting through those few moments of 'this is my life now' as it hits you at a 100 miles an hour.

Maybe it's just me, and maybe I'm just REALLY not a morning person, but most likely the case is,
becoming a mom is insane.

Becoming a mother is something you just can't prepare for.

It's a Rubix cube in the dark that you love more than life itself.

And on that note:

Charlotte is 5.5 months old, she likes to fake cough when she wants attention, she's learned how to shriek and loves making sounds at the top of her lungs. She spit up on me for the first time and either pooped or peed on almost every outfit we took on our 3 day trip to the mountains for thanksgiving... she also has some CRAZY knots in the back of her hair, I'm trying my best to get them out but a snip may be in order.
I often call her phunkadoriehouston or toblorone, those are just her nicknames, I don't know why.